An Interview with The Joker
by antman1
Summary: An interview with The Joker, to try and delve into his personality. Hopefully the first of a series. Please review.
1. Part I

I do not own The Joker, or any of the characters he happens to mention. They are all copyright of DC comics. I do, however, own the guard and the interviewer. :)  
  
An Interview with The Joker  
  
I walked silently through the hallways of Arkham Asylum. The storm outside made gruesome shadows and visions flash upon the walls around me. I saw that the guard leading me to my destination was quite simply shaking with fear. I don't think I would have enjoyed working here either. The cell that held the man I was to interview was just a few feet away now. The guard was ahead of me, and had started to open the cell to let me in. I stopped and waited until it was fully opened, and then slowly made my way inside. I heard the cell door close quickly behind me, and the sound of the guard briskly jogging back to the safety of his office was echoing through the halls. I looked forward and saw the back of one of the more insane of Gotham's well-known criminals as he look out of the cell's small window, into the midst of the storm outside. He swivelled round to look at me. Look at me with his white, grim, and yet smiling face. I was face to face with The Joker.  
  
"Well, pilgrim, I never thought you'd actually turn up. All the wind and the rain outside this old nuthouse must have terrified you. Ha, rather humourous really. What? Oh, you didn't say anything. Good. What is it you're here for again? Oh yes, an interview; an interview with Gotham's resident clown of a different nature. I'm sitting here looking like batman made me. White-faced, green-haired and red-lipped. That's all you really need to know about me isn't? Would you like to hear an impression of John Wayne? Or maybe Humphrey Bogart. I also do a mean Sidney Poitier impression, the best in the world, outside of Sid himself. But, for now, I think I might just talk like The Joker. And be warned, The Joker's Wild."  
  
From here on in, I knew I wasn't going to have much say in how events went. The Joker seemed happy enough to talk, but only if he talked in his own time. I was happy to let him.  
  
"So, an interview with moi, The Joker. Shall we talk? Let's talk. Good. Let us call this - Joker notes. Let us call this the first serial installment. Let us call it a brief history of my parentage. Let us call it a game. Let us call it entertainment and a clue. My, we're calling it a lot of things, aren't we? Oh well, I suppose it's better to have lots of names, rather than none at all, wouldn't you agree? Here we go then. I was born in a small vat of chemicals. My mother and father was Batman. He was strict. I'd like to talk about him for a bit. I'll keep it short and sour though: I hope to kill the son of a bitch. My little brother is Robin. Such an adorable ball of hate he really is. Batman always loved him more than me! I felt so. so. lonely and forgotten. The first child thrown away like an old newspaper. Why, Bats, just tell me why! Ahem, excuse me. I went off on a tangent then didn't I? Yes, thought so. Should make for quite interesting reading, though. I'd sure love to read about the emotional break down of a 'super' villain. Yes, there is nothing more fun and enjoyable than watching someone be reduced to a pool of tears and watching them roll around in their own self-pity! Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha- ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."  
  
At this point there seemed to be a mix of madness and sadness in The Joker's eyes as he walked around the room, his head thrust back in maniacal laughter. Suddenly his laughter slowed as he started to cough. There was a long pause.  
  
"Excuse me. Almost choked. I think I'll go find a bed and have a lie down now. Some time to relax. Gain some composure. Analyse my life. Please be sure to return tomorrow. I enjoyed your company."  
  
With that, he turned away and made his way to the bed that was situated in the corner of the cell. I got up, turned towards the cell door, called for the guard, and waited for the cell door to be opened. I needed to prepare for the next night. 


	2. Part II

I do not own The Joker, or any of the characters he happens to mention. They are all copyright of DC comics. I do, however, own the guard and the interviewer. :) Oh, and by the way, any crimes The Joker mentions are entirely of my creation. I haven't kept up with the crimes in the Batman comics so I can't mention them.  
  
  
  
An Interview with the Joker part 2  
  
For the second of who knows how many nights to come, I found myself in Arkham Asylum. The Joker sat perched in his seat, grinning at me. His open mouth revealed his pearly white teeth and I found myself wishing I could have teeth like that. I had learnt enough from the night before to know when to speak and when to let The Joker feel he was in total control. Now it was time for the latter. Behind me the cell door creaked as the guard started to close us in. With a slam and a twist, the door was locked and bolted. As had happened the day before, I heard the guard scuttling back to the safety of his office. The feeling of being totally alone save for a mad clown smiling at me was quite unsettling, to say the least. I started to look around the cell to try and find something that would occupy my thoughts until The Joker decided it was time to talk. I noticed a pile of clothes piled up on a desk to the left of me: a purple suit, a shirt of canary yellow and a scarlet scarf. As I was looking, The Joker's face suddenly appeared in front of mine, that undying grin still plastered onto his features.  
  
"You like the suit? I thought it was a bit formal at first but I've grown to love it. If only I was allowed to wear them in here, instead of these drab asylum shirts. They have as much life and colour as Bat-freaks cowl. Why did he never try and add a bit of flare to the design? Robin had the right idea. I'm even kinda tempted to make a whole wardrobe of clothes using the same colours as Robin's little number next time I get out of here. And - I will get out of here. I assure you. I always do."  
  
In that moment there seemed to be a sudden change in The Joker's demeanour. He seemed totally lost in his own thoughts of possible future crimes and there was slight murderous glint in his eye. I didn't feel particularly safe at that moment. But as quickly as all that had happened, he went back to his usual self again.  
  
"Now! Where had we got to yesterday? Oh, yes, I remember now. Bat-sap loved Robin more than me. So I ran away from home. I couldn't stand it any longer! I formed my own little family. Sure, mainly they were mindless goons, but what does that matter? They were still a family. My family! And I could replace them as easy as anything - if Cowl-head broke a few of their body parts, they normally ran away and refused to come home, so I've had to replace them. Many times now actually. But they were loyal enough while I had them. They always threw themselves in front of me if they thought I was in danger. Of course, there was that fateful day when someone jumped me from behind, instead of attacking from in front of me. The goons weren't prepared for that at all. Fools that they were!  
  
Yes, well, I had a family, which was all well and good, but what to do? We needed something to do. Then it struck me; Commishy Gordon! I always hated that pompous little runt. With skill and cunning that would impress -- - well, me, we dropped by the office without being noticed by a soul, and had a quiet drink with ol' Gordon. Hehe, I even gave him a little party hat! But sadly, the night had to end, and I really didn't want to say goodbye so --- we took him with us! I think it was best anyway, because Gordon didn't handle the booze very well and he plain collapsed upon the floor. Ha, you would have thought someone had spiked his drink. But who would do such a thing?"  
  
The Joker's grin seemed to widen even more as he asked me that question.  
  
"Whoever they were, I really wish I could meet them. It was a masterstroke, really was. A masterstroke almost as impressive as something, oh I don't know, I would do."  
  
He was about to continue when I noticed his face drop in disappointment. I followed his gaze and saw that the guard was walking down the hallway to collect me. I had obviously out stayed my welcome for the night. 


	3. Part III

I do not own The Joker, or any of the characters he happens to mention. They are all copyright of DC comics. I do, however, own the guard and the interviewer. :) Oh, and by the way, any crimes The Joker mentions are entirely of my creation. I haven't kept up with the crimes in the Batman comics so I can't mention them.  
  
An Interview with The Joker part 3  
  
I looked wearily at the extended hand of The Joker. He had never offered to shake my hand before. Although still apprehensive, I decided to accept the offer. There was no reason to make The Joker angry by not accepting it. I took his hand in mine. As I did I heard a faint buzz and a sharp sting in my palm. Surprised, I cried out, which caused The Joker to laugh. He removed his grip on my hand, and showed his fingers. Attached to the index finger was a joy buzzer. A simple, corny, old-time, practical joke.  
  
"Did you en-'joy' that little buzz? Get it?"  
  
I ignored him. There was something different about him today. He seemed to be happier than ever, yet he didn't want to talk. I couldn't sit and wait for him to talk like I had done before. After nearly half an hour of receiving nonsense answers to all my questions, especially ones concerning the crime he had started to mention to me the night before, I turned off my tape recorder. As I was about to get up to leave, he called to me.  
  
"Aren't you wondering how I got the joy buzzer in here?"  
  
I waited for a while and then answered. "How?"  
  
"I got it sent in. Simple as that. And, before you say I can't just get things sent in, it is incredibly easy for me to get things sent in because I'm The Joker, the Clown Prince of Crime! Those plebes that call themselves security guards don't see things when it's right under their noses. Security here is a joke. A joke, get it?"  
  
Turning the tape recorder back on, I decided to see if I could turn the idle chit-chat into something useful.  
  
"Have you ever been in love, Joker?"  
  
"In love? Yes, all the time. I'm totally girl crazy, but they don't seem crazy about me! Crazy, get it? Ha-ha, yes. I love girls. Not marriage though. Marriage isn't for me at all! I'd rather stay single and unaltered! Get it? But, alas, despite my love for girls, they seem to steer clear of me. I'm quite crushed by that. And do you know whom they choose instead of me? Batman! Batsy! What has he got that I haven't? He wears tights! I mean, goodness gracious me, surely there is something wrong about a grown man dressing like a flying rodent and wearing tights. And they call me crazy! They put me away in the nuthouse and let him run around loose in his cape and tights. It's all quite ridiculous if I say so myself. How about you? Are you married?"  
  
I knew this was coming. I had been told that The Joker might try and turn the interview around and turn himself into the interviewer. I wasn't going to let him.  
  
"What happened after you kidnapped Commissioner Gordon?"  
  
"What? You're not going to answer my question. Well, that is most intolerable. If you are not going to answer my questions, I refuse to answer yours. Good day."  
  
Knowing there was no way to continue the session without the risk of infuriating The Joker further, I turn to take my leave. 


End file.
